This reflection follows naturally on what we have already said about mercy and forgiveness. The forgiveness of sins is an article in the so-called Apostles' Creed. Christians claim that they believe in God's unceasing love which is made manifest in his action in forgiving sins once forgiveness is sincerely sought. This sincerity is shown in an earnest commitment to a new type of life in the future. In this respect St Augustine's hilarious prayer, recorded in his Confessions, "Give me chastity and continence, but do not give it yet", is soundly based both psychologically and spiritually; even if the saint in his later severe Christianity might not have agreed with this assessment.

What I am saying is this: we have to grow into the style of living we desire. St Augustine knew for a long time that his hypersexuality was a barrier to personal growth; but he also knew, however facetiously, that he was not ready for the radical internal adjustment that continence would precipitate. And so he unconsciously craved for a temporary respite. One of the dangers of the spiritual life when undertaken by those not ready for its full demands is a humourless, rather judgemental, intensity. Inasmuch as much of the debris in the unconscious has not been fully exposed and appropriately dealt with, it festers inwardly and sets up a fearful stench of decay. This may be projected on to any individual or object that the aspirant dislikes. It is not surprising that terrible cruelty has been committed in the name of religion; but this is a travesty of true spirituality, which brings life in all its fullness (John 10.10). It was, in this respect, very sad that St Augustine could not have retained a greater respect, even gratitude, for his pre-Christian days. His radically deprecatory view of human nature, while not without its own truth, served to set in motion a train of thought which suspected all pleasurable and sensuous emotions as the work of the dark forces. Once this puritanical view was outgrown, the sensual elements came back with a vengeance. While still imprisoned within the rigorous framework of Christianity, they spilled out in hatred and persecution.

All this has much to do with the matter of forgiveness. Despite our being aware of the desirability, indeed the necessity, of forgiving those who have hurt us in the past, despite all our prayers that our hearts should be less hard and we more open in love to all people, we find that the resentment continues to rankle. One way out of this apparent impasse is, as we saw in the last meditation, an awareness of our own sinful nature, that we are no better than anyone else: a truth borne in on us especially when we need the help of someone else after we have done wrong or are in some other position of danger. But quite often no such situation arises, and we are left with a bitterness that knows no relief.

The way to proceed then is simply to wait on God. We should not try to disguise our feelings, let alone feel guilty about them, but rather give them free rein in privacy. What is freely confronted is less poisonous than what is secreted out of propriety or guilt. If we really do desire a healing, God will give us a measure of his grace when we least expect it, and then we shall find to our joy that a terrible incubus has been removed from us. Therefore bear your burden in honest acceptance, work diligently for the well-being of your fellows, pray continually for the welfare of the world, and let go of all anxiety or self-debasement. The gift will come in the silence of self-forgetfulness. A new life will open.

I thank you, Lord, for my vibrant emotional life which responds so keenly to beauty, truth and love. May I not flinch from the pain of injustice and rejection, so that I can receive those who hate me with forgiveness and understanding, in the end bringing them to their own understanding and acceptance.